Last night, shortly before falling asleep, I started to feel a pressure. Not a physical one but rather the mental weight of needing to get my life in order. It’s no wonder I dreamt about a much simpler time. High school. In the dream I was just about to go into my final year.

Oh to be in that position again. What would I have changed I wonder? Perhaps I would not have just taken the lazy, safe approach of only applying to school here in Jamaica and tried to broaden my horizons at a university in the U.K. or the States or better yet, Europe. It seemed applying to schools abroad required so much work especially knowing I’d have to try for a scholarship. I was mostly turned off by the essay writing, of all things!

University is supposed to be one of the best times of your life. A time for partying and making new friends. Mine wasn’t. I was in and out of there. It was more like a test of how much further I could retreat into my shell than anything. A degree with first class honours the reward for no real social life.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t be in exactly the same boat 13 years later if I had left Jamaican shores back then, that is, unemployed and car-less, subsisting on a diet which I fear could have dangerous repercussions down the road.

I’m in a perpetual struggle with myself trying to decide between staying in Jamaica and continuing to look for work, or saying goodbye and finding a place where I’m not forced to watch a movie in 3D if I’d rather see it in 2D.

Jamaica’s the easy, comfortable option though isn’t it. I love that kind of option. Perhaps if I had pushed myself to escape my comfort zone with university applications all those years ago I’d have an easier time of venturing outside my comfort zone today.

No use dwelling on the past though. In the meantime, I will at least renew my passport and see where that takes me.