Looking back through my posts, I realised it’s been a while since I did a movie review. Ripping into Transformers Age of Extinction a year ago (here) was the last one and I guess no film has really inspired as much hate in me since. So I’ve decided to do something different. Instead of a bloated 1000-worder on a single movie, I’m going to do a bloated 1000-worder divided up into one- or two-sentence mini reviews on a bunch of movies I’ve seen since the start of the year. And by ‘review’ I mean thoughts that popped into my head whilst watching the movie in question, plus a rating out of ten  (not necessarily related to the thought) and by ‘start of the year’ I mostly mean start of the summer blockbuster season because I only just came up with this idea recently and I don’t remember half the crap I watched from January to March.

So, if you haven’t already lost interest, let us begin.

San Andreas, 6/10

“Really hope this movie is terrible so I can tweet ‘Disaster movie? More like disast-rous movie’. Hmm, that’ll definitely need work but the foundation is there.”

“As if the Rock performing CPR on Alexandra Daddario for like half an hour doesn’t absolutely shatter her sternum thereby piercing her heart and killing her anyway.”

20150802_201930000_iOS
Actual thoughts on San Andreas. Combined 17/10
Mad Max Fury Road, 8/10

“No way Max doesn’t end up decapitated or a double amputee while playing figurehead on the front of that car. He should’ve been dead inside 20 minutes. The movie should’ve been named Furiosa Road. Or Fast and Furiosa even. How am I this clever?”

Poltergeist, 6/10

“Sam Rockwell, what are you doing? This is so far beneath you.”

“LOL at this kid flying a drone into the ghost dimension. That’s absurd.”

Avengers Age of Ultron, rating pending second viewing on blu ray

“So so close to having my dream realised…imagine the black sidekicks of the 3 actual superheroes being on the same team! Guess Heimdall can’t join Falcon and War Machine as a ‘New Avenger’ because he’s too busy observing the Universe or some shit. Wouldn’t observing stuff be a more appropriate job for ……the Vision??…. *internal monologue crickets*.”

20150804_185031000_iOS 

Focus

“-sed on Margot Robbie.” 7/10 (rating goes here instead otherwise it ruins everything)

Furious 7, 7/10

“You know what would make the next one (and 9 and 10) even more furious…2 hours of ridiculous car stunts and zero dialogue. Vin Diesel’s best ever one liner is ‘I am Groot!’”

The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, 6/10

“Ok, so you have Men, Orcs, Dwarves and Elves, what the hell is the 5th army?”

“What exactly are the eagles so busy doing that they can’t show up until the last two minutes? Both trilogies could’ve been 1 hour, tops.”

Fifty Shades of Grey, 5/10

“What’s happening here? 30 minutes gone and I’m yet to eye roll myself into catatonia?”

“Christ, that ‘I’m 50 shades of fucked up’ line nearly did me in.”

Sleepaway Camp, 3/10

“This has to be the worst piece of 80’s garbage ever made but that buzzfeed list of scary movies promised a shocking twist so I have to stick it out.”

*1 hour later*

“Well fuck, that is the weirdest ending I’ve seen in a while which is more than I can say for the majority of horror flicks I’ve watched. Now if I can just get that disturbing image out of my head so I can go to sleep.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier (re-watched), 8/10

It was not my first kiss since 1945. I’m 95, I’m not dead. “Ha, that’s gold”

“This might actually be the best Marvel movie.”

Jurassic World, 8/10

“The Indominus Rex just took a massive hit square on the jaw from the Ankylosaur’s clubbed tail. Her jaw should be broken, so she can’t bite anything. Crisis averted. Everyone has a lovely day at the park.”

Ant Man, 7/10

“You know, being able to control ants with my mind would be pretty handy. I could tell the little shits to stay the fuck out of my sugar jar since they’re too damn stupid to realise for themselves that what’s likely to follow is an excruciating death at the hands of scalding coffee.”

Terminator Genisys, 7/10

“Man, that theme, those drums, chills every time!”

Funny story, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, one of the greatest movies of all time, is the only film to make me cry (no, eyes watering during The Fault in Our Stars doesn’t count). I was probably 8 or 9 when I first watched it so my heart hadn’t yet frozen over. I just about managed to keep it together as Arnie was being lowered into the molten steel but as soon as the credits started rolling I was off to the bathroom for a pathetic bout of sobbing which I somehow hoped to negate ever happening by washing my face simultaneously.

And on that deeply personal confession, I’ll bring the (one month past) mid year review to a close. Come back in a few months for the end of year review where I plan to introduce some awards, tentatively titled ‘The Mumblrs’.

Advertisements