Bidding is now open on a vintage iPhone 4s. This timeless piece of hardware is in as mint condition as can be expected for a phone that’s been in use for nearly 3 years and if you love snail-paced 3G, or sometimes EDGE if you’re really lucky, then this is the phone for you.

I should tell you upfront, the lock button no longer functions but with ‘assistive touch’*, which I’ve already enabled, simply locking the phone now becomes a much more exciting, interactive 3-step process. And don’t worry, with ‘ass touch’ (just coined that) you’ll still be able to screenshot that 5 second snapchat. This is assuming you’d even want to lock the phone anyway. After all, if you aren’t pocket/butt dialling someone at least twice a day, are you really living? There is a single scratch on the back (if you discount the multitude of scratches that appear out of nowhere in the sunlight) going straight through the apple logo which I believe adds a bit of character to the instrument. Besides who doesn’t like to slice the apple before they eat it?

Nevertheless, you’ll quickly forget these perceived flaws, when you realise that the device comes pre-loaded with Flappy Bird! Good luck finding another 4s that comes with the most popular and addictive game for a good couple weeks in 2014 before the creator removed it from the app store and pissed off with bucket loads of cash, the twonk. Had I not been so good at the game, the phone wouldn’t even be up for sale because it would’ve been smashed to pieces out of frustration long ago. But I’ll leave it to you, dear potential buyer, to be responsible for the phone’s demise as you struggle to get anywhere near my top score.

I also had the good sense to not upgrade to what is likely the far superior operating system that will be on my iPhone 6, just so that you would have a relatively smooth running mobile where apps only crash some of the time. I hope you will take my unparalleled foresight and kindness into consideration when making your offer.

Now, of course, I’m eager to pay off the bank loan I took out to pay for the 6 as soon as possible, so bidding starts at a fairly reasonable US$500. I’d be willing to throw in not one, but two charging cables. You’ll need to keep one on you at all times so you don’t get left in the lurch by a swift drop in battery life from 15% to ‘what the fuck just happened?’. And if that’s not enough, for a mere $20 more, you can receive the custom straightened paper clip I use to remove the sim card.

So what are you waiting for? Message me now with your bid (and credit card details).



‘ass touch’ is an annoying little ghost ‘app’ that floats on your screen, routinely getting in the way of the app you actually want to open. I can’t wait to be rid of the fucker.