Oh look, a rainbow over Anfield . Maybe it’s a sign, maybe we’re turning a….shut your mouth, we’re still rubbish.
Often in quiet moments of contemplation…on the toilet…Peter Drury’s voice will suddenly pop into my head,

“Liverpool’s to lose!!”

Of course, that’s what he belted out just a few months ago when the referee blew the final whistle confirming our 3-2 victory over Man City at Anfield.

Following another nervy 3-2 win, against Norwich, a mere 7 points were needed from then on. Simple… 1 draw (Chelsea), 2 wins (Palace and Newcastle). We all know how that worked out.

Couldn’t we have just won the damn thing? If we had lifted the trophy back in May, I would have been happy for Liverpool to not win anything for the rest of my life. Alright…slight exaggeration…if anything, it probably would have made me crave more success but at least it wouldn’t be such a struggle to sit through the alarmingly mediocre performances of the current campaign knowing we had finally gotten that monkey off our back.

Despite its disappointing end, it might be best for Liverpool fans to try to hold on to the memory  of last season as long as possible anyway because I don’t think we’ll see the likes of it for a while yet. The days of us blitzing the opposition into oblivion from kick off seem to have disappeared and instead we get it done to us…by Aston Villa and West Ham no less. The quick passing and movement and pressing that were evident as recently as the pre-season demolition of Dortmund, all gone. The only recognisable feature of this team is the shambolic defence which, sooner or later, is going to be on the end of a real hiding by a top team, maybe as soon as Wednesday.

After the loss of a single player, world class though he may be, it seems Liverpool have resumed normal service.

You see, the Liverpool we’re seeing now is actually the one we’re all used to, it was merely pushed to the dark recesses of our minds by last season’s heroics. Pick any season in the last 10 years, other than 2008/09 and 2013/14, and that’s the Liverpool I’m talking about. This is vintage Premier League Liverpool for me. All the signs are there:

  • Constantly looking forward to the next Reds game, regardless of the prior result, only to be tortured for 90 minutes by ponderous build up play with 700 backwards and sideways passes and the eventual long ball to absolutely no one when it’s not working.
  • Suffering whiplash because of incessant head-shaking at any half decent build up play breaking down in the final third.
  • Draws and losses against teams that we should be beating comfortably, prompting me to grumble, “who really gives a fuck about football anyway?”
  • Hilariously incompetent defending.
  • A striker that everyone is willing to do well but in our hearts, we know he’s positively cack. We’re truly blessed to have 2 this time around. Wait, no, it’s 3, sorry.
  • And of course, any machinations we had on challenging for the title will be snuffed out before Christmas.

I first began thinking about writing off this season when we lost to Aston Villa but I said, “nah, far too early plus they’re our bogey team.” Never mind the fact that since they beat us they’ve been smashed to all parts by the other 4 of last year’s top 5.

I might’ve thrown in the towel after the 3-1 defeat to West Ham especially when I saw Gerrard get skinned multiple times by Liverpool reject and notorious blocked shot taker Stewart Downing. Last season, the only time we lost 2 in a row was during the busy Christmas period, against eventual winners, City and 3rd place finishers, Chelsea…both away from home. This season it’s against two claret and blue wearing mid-table teams. (I’m dreading our game against Burnley now by the way.)  Still too early though.

Let’s forget the derby…”form book goes out the window for derbies”. Although, the window must have been firmly shut because both teams managed to remain as shit as they’d been up to that point in the season.

What about Basel in the CL? Hmmm, no…they beat English teams all the time, plus I’m more concerned with league games.

A slightly less terrible than usual performance against West Brom gave the Reds a stay of execution until finally, the jammiest 3-2 win you’re ever likely to see over the worst team in the league, Queens Park Rangers (although based on our displays, we aren’t too far behind) courtesy of 2 own goals and a deflected shot has me thinking Liverpool will have a tough time retaining a place in the Champions League next season let alone getting anywhere near the title.

“How can you write your team off after a win? The 3 points is all that matters.” And I might agree if a) we didn’t look utterly inept against a team that had managed only 4 goals so far and conceded the most in the league and b) if it wasn’t the 9th such performance out of just 11 this season.

One might argue that we still have Sturridge to come back but the rest of the squad was fully  fit and we still needed Rangers to do our scoring for us. Besides, it’s quite clear Danny is made of one-ply toilet paper, so I’m not expecting him to be available for any extended period.

“Well maybe Balotelli will realise this immense potential everyone seems to think he has.” Personally, I can’t see it. When he signed, I was worried about his short temper but I’d completely forgotten how lazy he is. Had no idea he was this useless in front of goal either. The Anfield faithful can cheer him as much as they like when he shows a bit of effort and runs back to help out the defence but he’s not going to be a star for us. How the fans saw it fit to give him a song before Sturridge is beyond me. I suspect his time at Liverpool will best be remembered for his helium-addled exploits on social media and reportedly working as hard as anyone in training.

“Ok, how about Ri…” No. “Well, Bor…” Just stop.

Our only hope of a top-4 finish is Raheem Sterling. Remember when Rodgers decided to leave him out of the starting lineup because he was worried he might get burnt out at an early age like former reds Fowler and Owen? Well, guess what? We’re not going to have to worry about Raheem’s career being cut short because we wont give a solitary shit about him anymore when he fucks off to Real Madrid or back to London while we’re battling it out mid-table again. So he should be the first name on the team sheet.

So now that I’ve decided that this season will be an uninspiring slog for the Champions League positions there’s only one thing to do…I’m going to go out and buy a PS4 and PES 2015, start a league campaign and pretend I’m in some kind of alternate universe where Liverpool are actually good at football.

I remember one year, 2011 I think, while real life Andy Carroll was busy lumbering around the pitch like a massive donkey, in the virtual world, I had turned him into the deadliest of strikers, smashing his way to about 50 goals in the league alone. Imagine the havoc I could cause with Super Mario! Or maybe I’ll just do what all Liverpool fans wish the club could right now and re-sign Suarez, turn off injuries so Danny is always available and rectify last season’s disappointment 10 times over.