Saturday saw German juggernauts, Bayern Munich, take on perennial La Liga also-rans, Real Madrid, in the Pro Evolution Cup final.

Just 9 minutes in, Arjen Robben came back to haunt his former team with an absolute thundertwat from, I don’t know, like 100 yards or something, to fire Bayern into the lead.

Casillas had initially been forced into a hurried clearance that fell straight to Bayern captain, Phillip Lahm, who headed it back into Robben’s path earning himself a quite ridiculous assist in the process. Robben then unleashed a blast not unlike the one his fellow countryman, Giovanni Van Bronckhorst produced against Uruguay at the World Cup 4 years ago . Spain’s soon to be 4th choice keeper was left flailing, as is customary these days, but, to be fair, not even Bayern’s far superior stopper, Manuel Neuer, would have gotten near that laser-guided rocket.

Robert Lewandowski, would double Bayern’s lead on the half hour mark courtesy of a slick pass from the stuff of nightmares, Franck Ribery, as well as some extremely lacklustre defending that can only  be explained by the game being played on ‘regular’ difficulty.

Hamez Rodriguez and Gareth Bale combined neatly to give Madrid an inkling of hope early in the second half (only because I haven’t quite grasped the tackling yet) but that was quickly extinguished when Thomas Muller restored the 2 goal lead a minute later. Muller’s ability to deceive opposition defences into thinking he’s not a proper footballer allowed him time and space to  power home from just outside the 18-yard box leaving the hapless Casillas flat-footed. Just retire Iker, for God’s sake!

Seemingly permanent shop-window fixture Karim Benzema threatened to make things interesting in the dying minutes but his clever strike only clipped the outside of the post. The Bavarians held on for a comfortable 3-1 win and their 47th trophy in the last 2 years.

At press time, Cristiano Ronaldo could be seen throwing a tantrum as he stormed out of the unlicensed stadium. Reports suggest the 2-time Ballon D’Or loser was unhappy that new golden boy Bale had scored the consolation goal instead of playing for a penalty which Ronaldo himself would’ve tucked away.

In addition, UEFA will investigate abusive chants from both sets of fans. Certain sections of the crowd could be heard (accurately) shouting, “PES  is better than FIFA! F*** your proper kits and real team names!”

About the author: Dominic Crosskill is a part-time blogger, part-time catastrophe risk modeller (whatever that means), avid Merseyside Red supporter  and most recently, amateur YouTuber!