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How do you make a billion dollars by just blowing shit up?
Transformers 4 made over a billion dollars. I’m ashamed to say, I contributed. 

 

I rarely post on facebook, but I had to at least try to prevent as many people as possible from further swelling Michael Bay’s coffers….clearly none of you sheep listened to me.

Posted the same on twitter (different audiences you see) as well as this added token of my frustration with the film:

Whilst I had the mental fortitude to withstand the last hour of mind-numbing explosions and incomprehensible mash up of metal, (no joke, that’s all it was) my dad couldn’t manage and bolted before his brain melted out of his eye balls. He’s a wise man.

I like some of Michael Bay’s movies…The Rock is one of my all time favourites and I’ve stuck by Optimus Prime and friends for the first three installments. I paid to see all of them in the cinema and I bought them on blu-ray but Age of Extinction is the final straw. Paramount or Hasbro or whoever won’t be getting my money again as long as the Bad Boys director is still at the helm. Oh, and if Bay is actually replaced and he doesn’t take Ehren Kruger with him then I’m still out. That hack should not be allowed near a typewriter, Microsoft Word, a crayon or whatever else he uses for writing his rubbish scripts.

The Bots

How do you fuck up dinobots? I’ll tell you how:

Step 1: You shoe-horn them in to please fans.

Step 2: Alter their appearance so they look nothing like what those fans remember. And…

Step 3: Have them wreck everything in sight for five minutes and then piss off into the sunset.

I was ok with Grimlock looking more like a dragon than a T-Rex before I saw the movie but now that I know the film is complete shit, I’m trying to find every last thing that’s wrong with it. An apatasaurus with spikes? Really? (Yea I’m a dinosaur nerd). If Michael Bay is not giving robots a huge swinging scrotum then he has to needlessly give a flying dinosaur an extra head. What the fuck for?

 

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Bay: I’ve got it! Let’s replace the giant orange cannon on his arm with a giant orange hole in his chest!!
Well if you’re going to ruin the dinobots, might as well go one more and massacre Galvatron too. What did he look like with those stupid beady orange eyes? You notice that Optimus Prime is pretty much spot on in comparison to every other iteration of the character (ignoring the flames)? At least make the leader of the decepticons vaguely resemble his comic-book and cartoon counterparts. Thank god Megatron was grey.

I would be willing to overlook Galvatron transforming into a pretty sleek looking semi, instead of what would have been a much more useful cannon, if it wasn’t for the mode of transformation. Molecular breakdown into cubes, like something out of Tron Legacy, and re-assembly fifty feet away? You must be shitting me. It’s called Transformers . Part of the reason we watch is to see cool  transformations, not some cost-saving, half-assed CGI trick.

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Stinger ‘transforms’
I don’t know for sure if it’s cheaper but it definitely looked that way.

The Humans

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Daaaaaa(2 1/2 hours later)ddd!!!!!!
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Optimuuuuuuuuu(a trilogy later)ss!!!!!
Nicola Peltz, you’re hot (I can say that, she’s 19)  and congratulations, you were able to take over the mantle, from Shia LeMycareerisintheshitter (much easier to spell that way), of the character that does nothing but scream another character’s name for the entirety of the film. However, you also now have the dubious honour of starring in two of the absolute worst adaptations of beloved childrens cartoons, ever made. Avatar, the Last Airbender was the other one, in case you were wondering. I recently, at all of 30, just finished watching that Nickelodeon cartoon (you’re never too old), and M Night Shabalala, you should have never been allowed to work again after that live action travesty you tried to sell us.

Mark Wahlberg, I heard you wanted to take over from Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. I can’t quite see it because, let’s face it, RDJ is perfect for the role, but if you can weasel your way off of this franchise onto a marvel one, then do it.

The Comparisons

The first Transformers was good, great even. As a child, I had a few of the toys and of course I loved the cartoon. I had Return of Optimus Prime and Transformers: Headmasters on VHS and I would watch them religiously. To see it all come to life on the big screen was memorable.

From the first intricate transformation of Blackout (the helicopter) at the navy base and hearing that famous sound effect, to Optimus and Bonecrusher transforming and fighting on the highway before we got our first glimpse of Prime as a badass when he decapitated the fool. Although it looks pretty awful now, Barricade (the police car! Jesus, do you guys know anything?!) doing the first robot to vehicle change in the series was impressive seven years ago. Starscream, jumping and transforming into a jet mid-air still holds though. Megan Fox announcing herself to the world. Steve Jablonsky’s epic score. And, of course, Anthony Anderson’s cousin smashing through a glass door.

Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon are both considered to be well inferior to the first one but they have their moments.

Who could forget the forest fight? Optimus alone against three decepticons and eventually succumbing (only to be brought back to life in a third act so awful it rivals Age of Extinction’s). Optimus’s air drop in vehicle mode, transforming in mid-air and back into the truck as he hits the ground. Soundwave…he may have just been a satellite but at least the face and voice were accurate. Megan Fox looking even more stunning than before, never mind that her hotness was inversely proportional to her acting ability.

 

Dark of the Moon had Rosie Huntington-Whitley’s..ummm…body (even if she has Dolph Lundgren’s face). A one-armed Optimus ruthlessly ripping off Megatron’s head with an axe and blasting his backstabbing mentor to oblivion, in case letting them live could come back to haunt him. I’ve just realised…Optimus Prime does not play around. Anyway, a bit of amnesia with this one, moving on…

There was a single memorable moment, in the nearly 3-hour long crapfest that was Age of Extinction, that might tempt me to illegally download it just to see again, and that’s Grimlock’s first transformation into a T-Rex. Nevermind how ridiculous it was that Optimus managed to take him down and force him into submission about 3 seconds later.

Anyway, I can rant all I want, with a billion dollars (and counting) in the bank, again (DotM made over a billion too), this virtually guarantees Bay’s coming back for TF5 and who knows what kind of atrocities he has in store. I swear, right now, I’m not paying to see it. No matter how awesome the trailer looks or how much my inner child tries to influence me, I’ll not be tricked!

Oh, how convenient… .I was looking for a neat way to wrap up this post, and I come across this:

 

It’s passed The Dark Knight. That’s me officially done with humanity. I’m taking a page out of Optimus’s book and jetting off into outer space.

 

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