It’s usually hard to find the right title to fit with the ‘theme’ of my ramblings. This time I have the heading but the rest is not flowing, even though I have the crux in my brain.

Alright, let’s set the scene first…

Dusk….A seaside tapas restaurant….a bright crescent moon and a single palm tree set against a light purple sky….waves crashing against the boardwalk not 3 feet away.

It was veritably instagram worthy.

“This would be a great place to go on a date,” I thought to myself.

Hate to disappoint you, it was just ‘welcome to the team’ drinks with the work folk. Hey! I’ve only been in Barbados a month, I’m not a god-damn magician!

Skipping quickly past the chit-chat about music and movies and the dearth of hot chicks, despite being informed that they frequent the boardwalk, the conversation came around to whether or not I’m a Christian.

My response, despite the multitude of thoughts buzzing around in my head, “I’m undecided.”

 

L’esprit de l’escalier. Translates to ‘staircase wit’. It describes the phenomenon of coming up with the perfect retort but only when it’s too late.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve laid awake thinking, “for fucks sake, that’s what I should’ve said,” I wouldn’t even be writing this post because I wouldn’t be having drinks with colleagues because I’d be rich and I wouldn’t have to work.

There have been many occasions where I’ve wished I’d said something to a girl or missed a golden opportunity to express my considerable wit and intellect. While drinks with co-workers is surely not something to have any kind of regrets over, it is the very loose basis of my post and you’ll just have to accept that.

 

It was a mere 3 hours later, at home, that I was finally able to manufacture a cohesive response to the whether or not I believe in God question. My thoughts on the matter are thus:

I just don’t subscribe to the blind faith approach. I’d rather just wait and see.

If he’s up there waiting to send me back down to hell, fine. But I don’t think it would be for doubting whether or not he exists but more so for the triple homicide I’m planning. One sec, there’s a police car hovering outside my balcony door.

I feel that no one will get my attempt to evoke the memory of Minority Report, even people who’ve seen the movie, so I’ll explain….In Minority Report, starring the ever-running Tom Cruise, the police are able to see into the future and stop crimes before they’re committed. There, now you have a bit of insight into how my warped mind works and if you haven’t seen Minority Report, go watch it. Tom Cruise does good sci-fi (see Oblivion and Edge of Tomorrow).

Right, so if God is real and he’s as powerful as he’s made out to be then I would think he’d forgive someone for doubting the existence of a being no one has ever seen before. Personally, I hope he is real so he can answer all the questions I have. Like, what really happened to the dinosaurs? Did Mars once look like Earth? Were scientists right about the Big Bang? Did he in fact pull the trigger? Do aliens exist? Can I still watch the premier league in heaven? Does heaven have it’s own premier league? Where are the virgins? You know, the important stuff.

God might be out there but I find it difficult to understand why an omnipotent being would give a single shiny shit about us mere mortals. We don’t concern ourselves with ants and their little ant lives do we?

If God is the sole creator of everything in the Universe, how could we even begin to fathom his mind anyway? It’s like that movie Dogma, where God (played by Alanis Morrisette) speaks to Ben Affleck and his head explodes. (Yay! Now find a new batman!) That’s probably exactly what would happen if he tried to speak to us.

Perhaps he’s not the only creator….I quite like the idea of multiple gods actually. Like in Greek or Egyptian mythology. And I think, since we are all supposedly God’s children, we should advance to god-mode once we die. Wouldn’t mind being the new god of thunder or the harvest or what have you.

My co-workers mentioned that they’ve been in bad situations (the details of which, they did not go into) and the only possible explanation for their escape, is a higher power watching over them.

Bullshit. It’s called luck. 

To use recent events, where was God when 3 planes went down in a week? Surely he could’ve saved one? How about the four Palestinian children bombed on a beach while playing football. Guess they didn’t fall under his purview. I suppose they’d say that the 20% of patients who survive ebola had God in their corner but what of the other 80% who will suffer a horrible death?  And by far the most blatant case for the absence of the almighty….Steven Gerrard’s slip. Actually, maybe that’s as good an argument as any for his existence and he’s just extremely anti-Liverpool.

I’ll give you this…there are some truly evil people on this marble. The murderers, the child molesters, rapists, people who support Manchester United. There has to be some sort of punishment for them. So if there’s a hell, then there should be a heaven and a god and a devil and all that cool fantasy stuff.

So it’s not that I’ve ruled out the existence of Jesus’s dad entirely, it’s just that I’m quite comfortable here on the fence.

 

Disclaimer: In the event that God is real, then the preceding post can be considered nothing more than playful conjecture. May the writer, under no circumstances, be struck down by a bolt of lightning.

 

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