The local film distribution company has a competition every Wednesday where participants create a short story using the titles of the movies released in cinemas that day. The prize is a couple of complimentary tickets to a movie of your choice.

I’ve won the contest a few times but the story I’m about to share with you was my crowning achievement (so far) and, honestly, I really should have been given free movie passes for the rest of my life for this masterpiece.

So, without further ado…ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the sweeping epic that prompted my mum to suggest I could make a successful career out of writing and started me down this blogging path that has reaped no benefits whatsoever. (Really thought I would’ve been discovered by now.)

Based on a true story. (The names of the movie releases are in bold and capitalised in case you hadn’t figured it out):

My doctor told me that I was seriously unfit and I should exercise more. I had always hated the gym but decided to be a Grown Up about it and join one. I made up my mind to not only get fit but to get RIPD like Hugh Jackman in The Wolverine. I even hired a trainer who, as luck would have it, turned out to be very attractive.

I started on the treadmill. My trainer gave ME a Despicable look when she saw me set the speed to 2. She turned it up to Turbo and I almost slid off the thing. After 10 minutes of running, I was on the verge of death, “This is the End,” I thought to myself, but she said to keep going.

She finally let me off after 30 minutes. I was sweating so much I looked like I had taken a swim around the Pacific Rim. For some reason though, my trainer was impressed. She invited me to come to her place, a little White House Down the road from the gym, for a more ‘personal’ workout 😉

Did you see my clever use of that turd of a movie R.I.P.D to mean ‘ripped’? Genius, no?