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Shingen: “What kind of monster are you?”

Logan: “The Wolverine”

Me: Groaaaaaaan

Yeah, I think you can guess which way this review is going.

You know what’s funny? I had a dream yesterday morning that I was going to miss the movie because I woke up late. Don’t you just hate it when your dreams don’t come true? My ticket was already bought so I would’ve lost out there but at least I would’ve been spared yet another disappointment.

Simply put, The Wolverine was a let down. I hate having to say this because he’s my favourite Marvel character followed by Magneto, Deadpool and Hulk. What about DC you ask? Batman (duh) then Superman, not too bothered about the rest.

It started off promisingly enough. Logan getting burnt to a crisp by a nuclear explosion and then regenerating in seconds had me thinking “alright, this could be good.” Nope. At the halfway point of the movie I was just looking forward to the after credit scene (more on that later).

I don’t think I really hated anything about the movie, except perhaps the train scene which was probably just shoe-horned in to make 3D seem necessary. It absolutely was not necessary. Oh how I wish I had a choice between 3D and 2D here in Jamaica.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t really anything that I loved about The Wolverine either. The story was pretty boring and the fight scenes were nothing to write home about. Even the boss fight with the Silver Samurai Jaeger was weak, CGI aside. I like my superhero movies to have epic moments and Wolverine didn’t have any of those except maybe when he recovered his healing power and was barreling towards Shingen like a man possessed.

Is it me or is Hugh Jackman getting a bit too old for the role now? Remember, Wolverine doesn’t age but Jackman seemed to be showing his a bit. Running seemed like a huge effort for him but I suppose that can be explained by the fact that he has an adamantium skeleton and his healing factor being suppressed at the time. I’d love to see a movie with him as Old Man Logan though.

It seems cheesy one liners are customary in superhero movies, case in point, that gem I used to kick off this review. However, there were a few one liners that made me chortle and think, yeah, Wolvie would definitely say that.

You know what good superhero movies need though? A good villain. There wasn’t one. Viper was forgettable, as were Shingen, Harada and Yashida. Who I did like was Yukio even if she did look like a fish (in my cousin’s opinion). I think I preferred her fight scenes to Logan’s mainly because you can hardly see what’s going on with the claws, which brings me to two points (shit, this is getting long, this what happens when you type out every thought as it pops into your head).

1. It’s time for Wolverine to go full berserker i.e. R-rated. I just think cutting off arms and legs is part of what makes him Wolverine. He’s absolutely brutal in the comics. Apparently the directors cut will have some hardcore additions so I’ll look out for that. Problem is, Wolverine needs the young audience. Hell, it only made $55 million opening weekend in the U.S. (probably due to Origins) so who knows if we’ll even get another stand-alone Wolverine movie, let alone an R-rated one.

2. The claws! First, they looked much better on screen this time than the shiny, glittery ones in Origins. If you looked close enough or in my case, if you knew beforehand, you could see a little bit of blood on the claws during the funeral fight (score!). Secondly, did they really fucking cut off Wolverine’s claws??!! I thought they would at least let him keep one set. How does adamantium, supposedly the strongest metal in the world, cut through adamantium? Hmmm, maybe hot adamantium is slightly stronger. Anyway, Logan’s going to have a hard time slicing up sentinels in DOFP with bone claws so I suspect he’ll have his dinner knives back soon.

Speaking of DOFP (I love how this is flowing so nicely), my hopes for this movie have taken a bit of a hit because of the Wolverine. I’m not sure why, since it has a different director and cast, maybe because it’s still fox. I do think that Wolverine is better when he’s part of the X-Men though, in film that is. The after-credit scenes foreshadowed events to come in DOFP. It was ok not mind-blowing. Only thing I took away from it is that Magneto and Xavier look as old as dirt. And why exactly did Xavier have to wheel across the entire fucking airport to get to Wolverine?

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Keep your panties on we’re almost at the end. So Wolverine brings the superhero summer to a close, but not with the Nagasaki-sized bang I wanted. Turns out adamantium is not as strong as steel but it is about as weak as iron.

I’m beginning to wonder if the superhero bubble is really about to burst or am I outgrowing comic book movies now? Iron Man 3 and Wolverine, both disappointing, Man of Steel not as epic as I’d hoped.

Hmmm, I think the answer is probably ‘no’. I absolutely can’t wait for Batman v Superman, Avengers 2, Amazing Spider-Man 2 and I’m still anxious to see what they do with DOFP. And let’s hope Thor 2 is a surprise hit.

For now though, The Wolverine gets a 5/10, simply because it’s still Wolverine.

Now to spend the rest of the work day reading reviews and articles on The Wolverine, as is my wont.

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